Me convierto y la biblioteca

The thing I am struggling with the most at this point in my Spanish adventure is what to do with my time. That sounds crazy, now that I am writing it down, but this is the most free time I have had since summer vacations before I worked. That means the last time I had this much time on my hands I was 15.

Don't get me wrong, having this much freedom is great, but it goes against my borderline obsessive, American, 'middle-class' nature.

I won't start work until October 1st. My classes are only three hours a day, and only on weekdays. I don't work and I don't have a standard full load of classes.

And for me, that's hard. Culturally and personally.

It's hard because American culture teaches us that success is measured by how much money we make and how busy we are. And usually those two things are related.

It's hard because I struggle to separate success and self-worth.

I've written about that idea before (though never this publicly) and every time I come to the end of the page and realize I fall into a pattern of filling time with work and school in order to feel better about who I am as a person. Busy has become a part of my identity and simultaneously a defense mechanism. I acknowledge that isn't particularly healthy.

Simultaneously, this is my first experience living abroad and it's hard to wrap my head around the idea that I live here. In Spain. In a place that my mind has classified as "exotic" and "foreign" and "a vacation destination." Which means that I instinctually want to do all of the things, as soon as possible, because usually that is my (and my immediate family's *cough* *cough* *Dad*) MO on vacation. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity; I will probably never be back so dear God, don't miss a thing.

But for once I have more than a week in a new country so I don't need to do that. Now would someone just please tell my brain that? And while you're at it remind it that it's ok to take a break? That I'm not wasting time, even if I'm not in this exact moment working towards something that will make me successful and thus--in our culture--worthy?

I write that last bit partially in jest; don't freak out. I clearly am capable of telling myself these things, even if I haven't ingrained them into who I am yet. But I'm working on it. Living in Spanish culture forcing me to. (I mean taking a siesta--an American sign of laziness--is culturally as acceptable here as working 2+ jobs is at home. How can that not challenge who I am as a person?)

I chose my blog title intentionally: I read; I travel; I become. You can see (thanks to that awesome little widget on the right hand side of this page) what I'm reading. I have written, and will continue to write, about where I travel. This is the becoming part.

September 2nd, 2016

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I started this post to write about a library, and clearly that isn't what I needed to write about.

My first weekend in Madrid I had no plans, knew very few people, and had more time than I knew what to do with. I wandered the city for several hours, no clear destination in mind. Words I didn't understand drifted through open doors and shops closed down for that afternoon as I walked. Paradoxically, I was alone amid three million people.

So I went to the one place I knew I could never feel alone.

No matter where I am in the world, a library will always make me feel at home.

August 14th, 2016